Time Warped
by neurotic pixie
Summary: Artemis Fowl, the Butlers and the Lower Elementals hang out, the usual. You know, eat, watch movies, drink, attempt to time travel. Until something, of course, goes horribly wrong... I've edited but have yet to update. But will do soon! It's the summer wh
1. Time Warped

Time Warped

Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl and the other characters regrettably belong to Eoin Colfer. Lucky guy.

Note: This is what happens when you write fanfic after watching Charmed.

Comments, suggestions, violent reactions and other of the like would be greatly appreciated.

Fowl Manor

Artemis, taking advantage of his parents' vacation time, has arranged a get together (at Juliet's request in her desperate need for some socialization) with the Butlers, Mulch, Holly and the other fairies.

He has it in the rec. room with the biggest flat screen Foaly has ever seen which causes him to unconsciously give a compliment to Artemis while Butler tries to find a good movie to watch. Juliet and Holly talk about some popular wrestling moves and Mulch, Foaly, Root and Trouble all pig out at the buffet table, which has gourmet food, veggies (for the special vegetarians) which included a big plate pilled up with carrots. (For a certain centaur) Then there's the drinks- soda, water, wine, shakes and alcohol (Beer, wine and other special drinks for the non-humans)

Everyone talks, eats, gets drunk (some more than others) and for some obscure reason, they watch a movie that involves moving through time and space after which, with most of the participants reasonably drunk, they decide to travel through time. Foaly is assigned to make the machine since he is the least drunk of everyone although he is quite full from eating all those carrots. He also is the other certified genius in the group.

Some Few Hours and 2 Movies Later

Foaly comes out with the time machine. (Not that anyone can see it.) He leads them into the underground and to a white room. (Think Matrix) Occupants are Foaly, Holly, Trouble, lovable ol' Root, Artemis, Juliet, Butler, Mulch. Everyone pretty much stares at each other for a bit, then…

Trouble: So, uhm, where is it?

Foaly: (in his usual annoying way with a clueless face) Where is what?

Holly: The time machine. glances around> I don't see it anywhere.

Foaly: It's right here. gestures>

everyone looks down and then glances around>

Butler: I still don't see it.

Foaly: sighs in his usual arrogant manner> It's right in front of you.

Mulch: You're the only thing right in front of me. Ugly, by the way. Although, I suggest that you better get this thing over with. Julius is turning purple again. grins>

Julius: The name convict…. turning redder, helped by the alcohol> I'm warning you……

Mulch: I'm not a convict anymore, Julius. (special emphasis on that last word)

Julius and Mulch exchange verbal fire and everyone else watches and suddenly…>

Artemis: How did you do it?

Foaly: Finally! Someone gets it! Took you long enough.

everyone turns and looks at him>

Artemis: It's quite obvious actually. The watch.

Everyone: O-o-o-o-o-o-h.

Foaly closes his eyes and shakes his head disbelievingly, as though amazed at their apparent

stupidity, which actually just irks everyone even more.>

Juliet: peering at it> Isn't it supposed to be a big thing? Complicated mechanics and all. You know, like in the movies?

Foaly: repeating the ever so annoying head shake accompanied by the I'm-so-tired-of-your-stupidity-sigh, which (how can I ever change tradition) majorly gets on everyone's nerves>  
Human movies. repeats annoying sigh> This is complicated machinery but unlike the primitive depictions of the typical Mud Man movies, I actually simplified the formula a bit and compressed it into a more practical device which everyone can easily bring and wear. A watch. creatures stare again for a sec and then comes all exclamations or more bluntly, the lies, about who knew it all along. Foaly opens an invisible door out of the white room, goes out and returns holding a small box. He opens the lid and gives everyone a stainless steel skin flat watch with a different color for each. Everyone peers at them first then put them on>

Foaly: Okay, these are new so obviously they haven't been tested yet. So, something might go wrong. I did my research very thoroughly and I'm not even sure if you can actually travel through time. The parameters are vague even to the People.

Root: grunts> Like what exactly are the possibilities?

Foaly: Well, if the time windows do exist, the problems are that we could be very well be stuck in time. he ticks that on with one finger> Another is that we can be separated, disembodied even. another finger> and of course, there are also other options if there aren't any time windows.

Artemis: Do you have the formula?

Foaly: Not now mudboy. Maybe later. I'm not trusting you with a formula, technology or otherwise.

Artemis: I'm a genius, remember? walks up to the centaur> I can check if it actually has the possibility of working.

Foaly: stares at him for a bit then rattles off a meaningless formula-to everyone else>

Artemis: Assuming there are time dimensions, the watches should work. With some risks.

Trouble: Assuming everyone is still a little drunk, lets do this.

Root: grunts> Can anyone tell me why we are actually still doing this?

Holly: Because we are all curious on what the future holds, Foaly did it, he has experience with the time stop, and…

Trouble: we are all drunk.

Foaly: Okay everyone, on signal press the button on the upper right side of the watch. We have to hold hands, in case it actually matters, and if something bad happens press the button again. Hopefully, we'll still be in one piece together after this. Okay, Holly, whenever you're ready. Everyone steps closer to one another and has an index finger on the button>

Holly: inhales deeply> Now! the collective sounds of a 'toot!' And everyone quickly holds hands>

Then everything spins and spins and spins and spins and spins, well you get the picture, and finally stops. Everyone lets go and kneels, their heads spinning with nausea, and some vomit. When everyone gets back up, there is a collective gasp, some ohmigod's, and of course, the D'Arvit!'s. Everyone stares at each other, aghast.

Foaly: Oops……

Okay! How is that? In the next chapter the plan is slight mix-up. Please send reviews!


	2. Toilet Trouble

Ooooh! I have reviews! hugs person nearby who just looks bewildered

THANK YOU PEOPLE!

Sorry I've been long to update. I've been really busy tripping people with my mind.

Coincidentally, my muse is on vacation sob!>

To Imd: Thanks for the tips!

R&R!  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Chapter 2

fiddles with a gadget> mmm…….okay….it's ready!

My muse is gone so I'm out of ideas. Went shopping to buy one. Only had a bit of money….only bought this. Points to a dilapidated thing that resembles a typewriter/control box>

So this thing I bought at the flea market is supposed to be able to read the thoughts of people, fairies, elves, dwarf's, mutants, etc. Well, that's what the creepy woman with the weird accent said.

Anyway, I'll try it out now.

flicks the switch.>

pause> hmm… kicks the gadget> 'Toooooot!'

(Gadget says: Reading…) There you go.  
(Reminder: these are thoughts…)

Transcript:  
Trouble: I cannot believe this! I'm a female! Although Juliet looks a lot better from this point of view-for a human.

Holly: This isn't my body. I'm going to kill Foaly! That centaur! D'arvit! I swear I'm going to pour coffee all over his precious machines and sugar instead of salt in the shaker and put swear toads…..

Root: D'ARVIT! D'ARVIT! D'ARVIT! That centaur! There're going to be a lot of budget cuts this year! Look at all this hair! Bugs! Typical convict…

Mulch: Man, this human is tall! Look at these hands! And he stinks! What is that smell? Freshness?

Trouble: Mmm…not bad…

Juliet: What happened? Why am I in Artemis' body! This is too weird! He really needs to start working out, though. Absolutely no muscle.

Butler : I'm PUNY! SmaLL! But at least she's got some muscle. But what in the world happened?

Holly: Yeah….I definitely have more muscle than this guy...and Trouble said I didn't have any muscle…

Artemis: Apply balance on all four feet. This is hard.

Foaly: Ah…legs…rocks back and forth a bit Not that hard to get used to. I can feel a phantom backside and two extra legs, though. I think I'm going to have a heart attack. How does Julius breathe with these lungs? What in the world happened? goes through computations>

Trouble: Look at this…

Transcript ends…

'Toot!' machine conks out> So I guess the dialogue will have to start…

Trouble: flexes Juliet's muscles>

Juliet: Wait! Who's that flexing my muscles?

Trouble: abruptly stops> Um…Trouble. So…you, Juliet are in Artemis' body?

Artemis: Wait, Juliet is in my body? (his concentration slips and he wobbles on the four legs)

Foaly: And you are in mine. Julius, I swear, you are going to have a heart attack pretty soon.

Root: Stop with the name, will you! It's your fault I'm in the convict's horrible hairy body!

Mulch: Wow, the Commander is in my body, what an honor for you. And may I say, Butler , you are unbelievably tall. And we dwarfs happen to have a strong distaste for heights. How many times a day do you work out anyway to get like this?

Root: gives a very annoyed sigh>

Butler : And I'm unbelievably small with a lot less muscle. (frowns at hearing himself use Holly's voice) And a rather high voice.

Holly: Hey! At least I have more muscle than Trouble! Ha! I can see that from here I really had more muscle! And you said I had none.

Trouble: Oh, really? (not the least bothered by his/Juliet's voice) Not now, you don't. flexes Juliet's arm again>

Artemis: Foaly! Are you sure you told me the whole formula?

Foaly: narrows his eyes at Artemis> for the travel. The one for destination, it's rattles off>  
Everyone stares and some blink after being unable to follow>  
Both of the genius's eyes widen>  
Artemis and Foaly: …6+410

Artemis: 10!

Foaly: Oops…

Root: 6+410? Even I can do that! Idiot centaur! D'ARVIT!

Foaly: Hey, I was drunk!

Trouble: So let me get this, you got the travel thing right -

Holly: but the where part wrong! Foaly!

Mulch: So we're stuck like this?

Butler : Exactly how long?

Juliet: Uhm, guys….. GUYS!

everyone stares at Juliet in Artemis' body>

Holly: What?

Juliet: I think I need to use the bathroom

Mulch: Uhm, me too…

Holly: Oh, hell, I need to go…

Foaly: Way too much beer Commander…

Root: You better find a way to fix this Foaly because grunts> I need to go but I do not need to see some parts of a filthy convict!

Trouble: Ditto for me, (glances at Juliet-in Artemis' body) except for the filthy convict part.

Butler : Close our eyes?

Artemis: Some of us are inexperienced in other's bodies and have no idea how to walk Artemis tries to walk, loses his balance and slips on all four feet> and much less how to go to the bathroom. struggles to get up>

Foaly: grins as he goes to help Artemis> Another thing you can't do, Mud Boy! It's quite easy, although, I've never seen a human in my body try. I imagine it's something like crawling.

Artemis: stares blankly at Foaly> I was a toddler the last time I crawled.

Foaly: You never played or anything? Like pretend you were a horse, which you are now?

Artemis: pauses for thought> No.

Foaly: sighs> Poor human childhood. Just try to balance on all four feet. We pee upright anyway. Just try not to get any on me, ah, on you.

Artemis looks up and sees everyone staring at them waiting for a solution to the evident problem.

Juliet: I really need to go…

Holly: So do I. stares evilly at Trouble>

Artemis: You want to close your eyes?

Holly: I'm in a guy's body. How do you expect me to close my eyes? I have to HOLD something! shudders

Foaly: Uhm…the owner of the body could help?

everyone glares at him>

Foaly: Right bad idea… 

I really need my muse.

Anyway, if you guys can suggest something for the next chap….

Click this button down there

Yep

That one!


	3. Back To Normal Not

Thanks for the reviews guys!

Sorry for not updating... School just started...really busy...anyway

little miss demosthenes: I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm still in freshman in HS! Haha! So I haven't studied calculus but I do get the x thing, I wasn't really paying attention. I like the first one better too so I'm just going to attempt another but better chap. But thanks!

Soap sudd: I shall now mention you twice to make up for the last. Thanks- for thinking it was class! Really means a lot. (I'm new at this) Uhm...idea after watching Charmed...

Soap Sudd: you have a point but there's an explanation for it later in the story. I'll try to make it less confusing...  
--------------------------------------------  
After everyone had agreed on what to do (after a prolonged discussion they decided they'd just sit down and do it) they had another discussion albeit a shorter one on what to do. They decided that the pure white motif was too much distraction and an eye-sore so they demanded that Foaly lead them out and they discovered that if they just leaned against a wall and whispered where they'd want to be, they'd get there. Of course, a couple like Trouble, Mulch and Root (much to his embarrassment of getting discovered), tried saying their names to get back to their body and a second later were right beside their bodies, but still not in it. Finally, Foaly got everyone convinced that it wouldn't work and they all said the same place that they wanted to or rather had to be which was Fowl Manor. Then they all gathered in one of the living rooms after doing their "business".

"Finally, I was starting to see white spots!" Juliet said as she rubbed her eyes vigorously.

"Tell me about it." replied Holly who has busy blinking.

"I do not care about your eyes or white spots. I do care about what we're going to do." Root muttered. "FOALY!"

"Yes, Commander?" Foaly walked forward, right after he rolled his eyes.

"We're here so what are we going to do Foaly? And how can you walk with two legs? You don't seem to have any trouble."

"Simulation programs, you can actually program them to be another species. Not that anyone really does it. But a couple of times, when I'm bored. As to the switcharoo, I studied the formula. I just have to alter one of the buttons on the watch. I should have it in about three or four days. But thing is, no one can know we're each other. Complications."

"Oh, lucky me, I get to be very tiny, miniscule, for four whole days." muttered Butler.

"Are you sure 3 to 4, Foaly? Not any shorter?" asked Artemis, a bit wobbly.

"'Course. You think I want to be in a body which is prone to a heart attack any day?" answered back Foaly. Root glared at him.

"I'm stuck in Artemis' body? No way. I am not stuck in his body. There's no muscle!" Juliet exclaimed.

"Hey!"

So after many complaints, heated retaliations and other things and such that would follow comments about each others body they then decided to take notes about each others behavior so that they may pass for each other for at least three days.

Notes on Root by Foaly

curses at least once every two minutes

never in a good mood (surprise, surprise)

smokes at least ten cigars an hour

shouts at lower sprites, civilians and convicts

doesn't allow being called Julius with some sparse exceptions (how well I know this)

despises my snide remarks and threatens me with budget cuts

Notes on Trouble by Holly

exceedingly vain (obviously)

loves flexing his muscles (and Juliet's)

struts around when the Commander isn't there

but does his job extremely well

when not fooling around (which is often)

Notes on Butler by Mulch

knows Cordon Bleu cooking (no problemo)

various martial arts (uh oh..., fake it and make it is what granny used to say)

is on call anytime of the night (great…)

his family, the Butlers, provide a supply of bodyguards for Fowls and others

very, very muscular

Notes on Juliet by Trouble

has very nice, big muscles

obsessed with wrestling (I like it but not that much)

is a girl

wears glitter eye shadow (?)

has been trained as a housekeeper/bodyguard since she was young (wow)

Notes on Mulch a.k.a. the Convict by Root

has too much hair which probably the reason he smells

is a dwarf but doesn't like digging but loves gold (no magic!)

has a passion for making sandwiches (proves how stupid he is)

also for making quick, snide comments (git)

talent for escaping (wasted police time!)

Notes on Foaly by Artemis

uses his vocabulary on the fullest extent (no problem)

delights on annoying Commander Root also by calling him Julius (interesting)

puts a foul face when Root says budget cuts but knows he doesn't really mean it-usually

walks on four legs, which is quite hard

Notes on Artemis by Juliet

has a very big vocabulary (no problemo, reminder: read the dictionary)

rarely smiles

doesn't really care for wrestling (oh...)

is a criminal mastermind

is obviously an idiot when it comes to certain things ;0

Notes on Holly by Butler

is small (aw shucks)

is _very_ small

but has muscles

is actually quite pretty

and has one great gun  
-----------------------------  
R&R people! Totally appreciated! thanks:D


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